When a loved one passes away, whether it was expected or sudden, you may immediately feel a thousand emotions or nothing at all. No two people grieve the same way. And those who haven’t lost a loved one may not know what to say. According to the Center for Loss and Life Transition website, “… grief is what you feel on the inside [and] mourning is what you do when you express your grief on the outside. Crying is mourning. Attending the funeral is mourning. Talking to others about the death is mourning….”

If you’ve lost someone due to alcohol or drug use, your grief will have many complex layers to it and may not be fully understood by those who are lucky enough not to have experienced addiction. Because alcoholism and drug use cause significant negative effects on a loved one’s behavior, thought process, appearance, and lifestyle, many families typically start grieving their loved one long before he/she passes away as they helplessly watch these brutal changes occur. Some people may find a sense of relief after a loss because they are no longer living in the chaos of addiction and they know their loved one is no longer fighting it. Family members are often judged and the one who struggled with addiction is often shamed; the stigma of addiction is rampant in our society, and this can add to the heavy and exhausting feelings you are carrying.

​Oftentimes, people will support you immediately after your loss: they will attend the funeral, check in on you, make you dinner, offer to watch your children, or otherwise help you through a couple of weeks after. But then they go back to their lives while your life has now taken a new turn. According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine, in her 1969 book called ‘On Death and Dying’, Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described five stages of grief:

• Denial – the loss is new and does not make sense. You may be numb or in shock.

• Anger – you may feel angry at the person who died and/or you may lash out at family members or friends. You may feel irritated, frustrated, and overwhelmed.

• Bargaining – you want to control by trying to find out what you could have/should have done; the “What Ifs” begin; you make promises to a higher power in exchange for relief from your hurt.

• Depression – your attention moves into the present. You may feel empty and/or alone; you may withdraw from social situations and you may stop enjoying your hobbies.

• Acceptance – this stage is typically confused with “getting over” your loss, but instead it’s forming a new normal for your life; you will have to re-adjust your thoughts and roles, without your loved one. You will learn to move forward and take one day at a time.

However scientifically-based these stages are, the reality is that you will experience these, along with multiple other emotions and thoughts, several times a day in any random order. There is no correct sequence in which to go through these.

When you are grieving, you may feel lonely, but you are not alone. It is important that you find support, whether it’s going to a therapist or grief support group, or researching about grief. It’s equally as important that you find healthy ways to take care of yourself, such as exercising, meditating, or taking up a new hobby. Talking with a friend or doing things in honor of your loved one are also positive steps in moving through grief. Be patient with yourself and remember that grief has no timeline, despite what others may think. Trying to ignore your pain or pretend that you are okay is not beneficial and can harm you in the long run. As uncomfortable as it is, you must face the emotions when they come in order to move forward.

If you have experienced a loss, whether recent or years ago, and are looking for support, please consider contacting your local church, doctor’s office/hospital, health insurance company, or health department. And remember that “the pain of grief is just as much a part of life as the joy of love; it is perhaps the price we pay for love…” (Dr. Colin Murray Parkes).

In Loving Memory Of:

Rage Against Addiction Team Members

Wendy Beck Messner

Founder and Executive Director

Amanda Buddenbohn

RAA’S ABC (After Baby Care) Coordinator

Tara Kuzma

Chairman of the Board of Directors

Rachel Bongiorno

Recovery Coach and Daughter’s House Program Director

Mia Ellis

Newsletter Writer and Administrator

Sarah Hoover

Rage Club Event Coordinator and Volunteer

Michael Nesline

Rage Club Mascot